Olives Boligarky: Cobra Commander, welcome.  We appreciate you taking the time to talk to us today.

Cobra Commander:  Oh, I’m happy to do it.  I can dramatically cut back on recruiting costs with this sort of free publicity.  You have no idea what it takes to get fresh young minions to join the evil ranks now a days.

OB:  Well, again, thank you.  You mention the evil ranks of Cobra, what is the current status of the organization?

CC:  Well, I could give you exact details, but then of course I’d have to zap your face off with my laser blaster, and that wouldn’t be very nice would it?

OB:  Uh, no.  That wouldn’t…

CC:  Ha ha.  Easy fellow, I’m only joking.  Just because I’m the ruthless commander of an organized army set on world domination, there’s no reason we can’t have a nice cup of tea and a conversation like civilized chaps.

OB:  Well, uh…

CC:  Yeah, unlike those Power Ranger bitches…  I was just speaking at an action figure convention, and that ridiculous pink ranger tossed an off-handed comment my way.  You can be sure that after I sent some members of my crimson guard after her, she wasn’t giving no mo’ lip.

OB:  Fascinating.  We at OB aren’t too fond of the Power Rangers either, but let us ask, which action figures out there, particularly the evil ones do you most admire?

CC:  Oh, that’s easy.  When you’re in my class of evil, there are really only two other names that strike fear into the heart of youngsters and adults alike.  Two names that cause the hair to stand up on the back of your neck.  Mary-Kate and Ashley.  Oh wait, they don’t count, because they sold their souls to the devil.  I guess the two that I admire most are Skeletor and Megatron.  Skeletor managed to stave off He-Man for such a long time, and still had a chance to star in a major motion picuture…

OB:  Major motion picture?

CC:  Ok, OK, Shipwreck’s parrot and I could have put together a better production, but it was a real movie.  None of that animated shit.  It’s quite difficult to pull off movies when you’re an action figure.  Let me tell you.  Not to mention, that he’s been revived in the recent resurrection of a Master’s of the Universe cartoon.  Let the royalties keep coming in I say.

OB:  But didn’t you also star in a movie, “G.I. Joe the Movie” in fact?  Hey, wait a second, you were turned into a snake…

CC:  I don’t think we need to go there.

OB:  OK, what about Megatron?

CC:  Oh, I admire Megatron because he was just the sort of bad ass needed to make a robot villain seem cool.  He was more than just a multi-purpose killing machine.  I admire his depth, I admire his leadership skills… Not to mention all the ass he was getting.  What do you think ‘tron’ means?

OB:  Interesting, you know usually when I ask a question about villainous action figures, people bring up Darth Vader.

CC:  Vader’s a pussy.  He couldn’t get the job done and he ended up joining the good guys.  Pathetic.  Plus, now that Hayden Christianson is under the mask, I mean, really… are YOU afraid?  I didn't think so.

OB:  What about “good guys”?  Who would you most fear as an adversary?

CC:  Oh, that’s an easy question.  I’d most fear Yoda.

OB:  Because he’s such a wise and powerful Jedi, yes Yoda would be…

CC:  No!  I’m just afraid of half-reptile half-monkey puppets that sound like Fozzy Bear on a cocktail of crack and southern comfort.  That shit is seriously messed up.  And since I minored in English… that whole mixed predicate placement is a bit off-putting.  Freaky, Yoda is.

OB:  Moving on.  What do you think about the status of action figures today?

CC:  Ah… I’m glad you asked me that, because I think it sucks!  Sure there are about 1 billion more action figures today then there was in my day, but they couldn’t hold a candle to a Go-Bot, and THAT’S saying something.  Nowadays they make action figures for every cartoon out there.  Hey, I’d like to collect Shake and Meatwad as much as the next guy, but gimme a break.  You can’t buy a normal action figure either.  I can’t even look Batman in the face anymore.  Everyone knows what a sellout he is.  I mean, really… do you need to have 37 different costumes to sell to kids?  Give me one costume, a big weapon, and some evil intentions, and I’m ready to take on an elite American fighting force.  Pansy-ass Batman suddenly needs “Tech Armor”.  What the fuck?  I thought Batman was cool because he was the everyman, a superhero who’s only power was the will to seek justice, and a pretty nifty gadget belt.  Now he needs Tech Armor?  Who’s he fighting, Godzilla?

OB:  It’s funny that you mention having only one costume, since…

CC:  OH, don’t get me started on that.  That was all Mattel’s decision.  When I rose through the ranks of Cobra, my face was unshielded.  In fact, I’m quite a handsome man.  But the execs thought I needed to be surrounded in mystery, hence the freakin’ hood.  The Metal Faceplate was used because, well frankly, I had a bit of a drinking problem.  There were times I couldn’t even make it to the front lines of battle.  Instead, Tomax or Xamot… I can’t tell the difference, would toss on the uniform and completely cover their face so that the troopers would take orders from them.

OB:  Interesting, they couldn’t have taken orders directly from the twins, or from Destro, or…

CC:  Destro?  That silver headed freak! Would you take orders from a silver headed man with a fluffy red collar?  I don’t know what you think when you hear the word “flaming” but I sure know who pops into my head.  Sure we have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy at Cobra, but c’mon – It wasn’t just minds that he and the good Dr. were bending, if you get my drift…

OB:  Uh… yeah, I uh…

Cobra Officer: Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt your interview Sir, but I have urgent news.

CC (to CO): What is it?  This better be good, I don’t get press like I used to, and if this isn’t important…

CO: Sir, I bring word from Tomax and Xamot.  The Baroness is on her way.

CC (to CO):  Ah, excellent news.  Now get on the ground and spit shine my shoes.

CC (to OB):  I need to look my best.

CC (to CO):  I think you missed a spot.

CC (to OB):  You know, I really think we need to re-emphasize the details.  Not just for menial tasks either, we need to work on the fundamentals of evil combat, like aim.  Three thousand Cobra troops… 20 million laser shots… 0 Joes hit.  Pathetic.

OB: Uh… Are there any Cobra members that have impressed you?  Do any of them have what it takes to succeed you sometime in the future?

CC (to OB):  You know, I’ve given that a lot of thought lately.  I think you’ll be fortunate to meet someone who might meet those qualifications…

Baroness: Baroness reporting Sir.

CC (to B): Ah, welcome Baroness, I was just talking about you in this interview.

Baroness:  Wow, I’m flattered Sir.  What can I do to help in your latest attempt at conquest?

CC (to B):  At ease Baroness, let me finish this interview, and then we will get it on… ergh, I mean get on with the plans for world domination.

CC (to OB):  Now, you were asking about possible sucking… ergh, I mean successors?

OB:  Yes, I was wondering if there are any members of Cobra that have the skills necessary to take command.

CC (to OB):  Well, I like to think that I’ve instilled some leadership qualities into my troops, and we’ll just have to see who rises to the top.  You know someone always does.

CC (to B): Baroness, you have some of those qualities, and more.  Why don’t you take off your glasses.  Relax.  This interview won’t take much longer. 

CC: (to OB): WILL IT.

OB:  UH, No.  I was just wrapping up, wanted to thank you for the insight into evil dominion today.  We appreciate you taking the time to talk to us.