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OB:  It’s a great pleasure for us to get to talk to you oh wise Jedi Master.

Yoda:  Happy to be here, I am.

OB:  Well, first off, we’d like to ask you about how it feels to have filmed the final movie in the Star Wars triologies.  Will you miss it?

Yoda: Kidding are you?  900 years old, I am.  Gets me the honies, these movies have.

OB:  So, it’s been a positive experience for you?  Playing out the story of Anakin Skywa…

Yoda: (interrupting) Anakin?  You see Hayden Christianson on the cover of GQ?  Think HE is the character we are watching, do you?  Hell, Kenny Baker is a more interesting character than Anakin Skywalker.  At least booze and porn, he likes.  Interesting, Darth Vader’s early pussy years are not.  When making the first movies, menacing he was.  A whiny baby, he seems today.

OB:  But the movies are about the story of …

Yoda:  Story?  For shit, Lucas can not write.  Story you say?  Lightsaber battles and space fights can make billions of dollars, for George.  Look at Episode II.  Ask anyone on the street, and tell you they will – when I was kicking Dooku’s ass, the best part of the movie was.

OB:  You’re right, the battle was impressive, and several people mentioned that it was a primary motivation for seeing the movie.  The great Jedi Master Yoda would finally battle an enemy.

Yoda:  Damn straight.  Taught Luke everything he knows, I did.

OB:  Yeah, we uh… saw the first trilogy.  That was a major part of the movie… you were… uh… training him.

Yoda: Exactly.

OB:  Moving on, are you at all disappointed that you tend to be transformed from puppet to CGI to puppet to CGI to leftover novelty bong from 1983 to CGI…  with all the different forms of Yoda that make it into American popular culture, which is your favorite.

Yoda:  The one where Frank Oz has his hand up my ass, it is not.

OB:  I see.  You know that you are a highly recognized figure, both for you association with the Star Wars universe, but also as a mentor and religious figure.  In fact, a few years ago, several people tried to establish “Jedi” as a religion by claiming it on the US Census.  Ironically that has nothing to do with establishing recognized relgion according to the US government.  But what do they know?  What DO they know Master Yoda?

Yoda: (waking up) Uh?… Huh?… Whazaa?  Sorry, I drifted off there.  When your questions take 18 minutes to ask, do this I may.  If you want to know what I think about a bunch of nerds who gather in basements once a week to eat Cheetos, drink Mountain Dew, and play D&D could possibly think that organizing a national effort to recognize the Force as a spiritual entity which fosters a fully recognizable religion in the United States…  well, bless their hearts, because it’s those busted up fools that watch the movie 8 times - never with a girlfriend -  that keep my royalty checks rolling in.

OB:  Um…Perhaps we should move to some non-Star Wars questions.

Yoda: Smart, that might be.

OB: Most people consider you to be very wise.  Do you have anything to discuss about the current US political situation?

Yoda: On a swamp planet, I live.  Train Jedi, I do.  Movies in space, I make.  Why would I care about US politics when plotting against me, the Sith proceed?

OB:  Well, as I said, you are considered quite wise.  You are 900 years old, and have experienced war in many forms.  It only seems logical that you might have some insightful words about war, peace, conflict, democracy – any issues that the American public might compare to their place in the world in times like this.

Yoda: Logical?  Pointy ears, I have.  A Vulcan, I am not.  Next question already.

OB: Ok then.  Perhaps there is something that YOU would like to talk about.

Yoda: Yes.  Something, there is.  The way people are pushing drugs… Dangerous, it is.  Irresponsible it is, for celebrities to push anti-depressants.  Know not they about the history of psychiatric medicine.  I do.  Irresponsible of them, it is.

OB: Yes, I do believe there are many who agree with you, as well as disagree

Yoda: My friends, these celebrities are.  But important to all, this message is.  Also, alone in the universe, we are not.  And in love with Katie Holmes, I am.

Clone Homie #1: Hold on a second Yoda.

CH#2: Yeah, did you say Katie Holmes?

CH#3:  Holmes is our territory.  She’s Slick’s girl.

CH#4:  We warned you Yoda – now you’re going down.

Yoda:  Going down I am, hmm?  The same to your mother, I said last night.

CH#5:  It’s on.

Yoda: Attack of the clones this is?  Why like the Matrix it looks?

Yoda: *eaaaah*

Yoda: *yeeeeaaa*

Yoda: Ooh hoo hoo!

Yoda: Ok, I think we can finish the interview now.  Dead, the clones are.

OB: And with that, we seem to have run out of time.  Is there anything else you might have to say?

 Yoda: Yes, yes.  Yoda merchandise, please buy. 

And, there is another… Sky… wa… walker.

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