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Olives Boligarky: Welcome Commander Data.  It’s a thrill to get a chance to talk to you.

Data: I welcome the interview.

OB: Great.  There are so many thinks I’d like to ask you about.

Data: What would you like to know?

OB: Well, let’s start with your role on the Enterprise.  As an android, you seem to be more useful than most of the crew… put together.

Data: It is true, that I have the intellectual and analytical capacity as well as physical strength of the rest of the crew combined.

OB: Amazing.  Does that sort of thing ever go to your head?

Data: No.  While I appreciate my usefulness on board the Enterprise, I would give up all of my advanced abilities to be human.

OB: Strange since I think many would trade their humanity for your power.

Data: I do not think of it as power, rather I think about it as who I am.

OB: So wise for a robot.  So wise…

Data: Were you going to ask me any more questions?

OB: Oh, sorry.  Well, when you started working on television, was that exciting for you?

Data: If you recall, as my experiences aboard the Enterprise began, I was unable to experience emotion.

OB: True, so I guess you weren’t excited then.

Data:  No.

OB: Well, once you moved onto the big screen, you DID receive the emotion chip that gives you the ability to feel.

Data: Yes, I did.  And it has been a wonderful experience since then.

OB: Tell us about that.

Data: Well, sure there were times that emotions were difficult to control.  I mean, I soiled the Opps console chair when we came across a Borg vessel.  And after the fear, I experienced the embarrassment of what I had done.  Then I felt the humiliation as I had to clean up after myself.  Good thing the replicators could produce SHOUT.  I never thought I’d get out that stain.

OB: Amazing.

Data: Yes.  Will you excuse me while I repair this flux intro-contrastulator?

OB: Of course, what does it do?

Data: It contrastulates obviously.

OB: Oh.  You were saying about emotions?

Data: Yes, there were so many emotions that I did not want to experience.  I could have done without that embarrassing walk from Captain Picard’s ready room back to the Opps position.

OB: What do you mean?

Data: I was not prepared for the sex drive that Dr. Soong built into me.  I had… test run the programming to be sure I was efficient a few times.  But with the emotion chip attached, it was like an android version of puberty.  If only Deanna hadn’t worn that skin tight outfit with her tits flying out everywhere, I might have made it.  Instead, the programming took on a life of it’s own… if you know what I mean.

OB: Wow, that would be embarrassing.

Data: Especially if your creator equipped you with a zucchini instead of a cucumber, if you understand my meaning.

OB: Sure do.  Heh heh heh, sure do.  So, how did you resolve all the emotions?

Data: It was not very difficult, I simply needed to learn how to control them.  And that came with time.

OB: So, I don’t want to spoil this for readers who didn’t see the last Star Trek movie, but Data says goodbye doesn’t he?

Data: Yes.  I asked that my character die in the movie, a heroic sacrifice for his captain and the Enterprise.

OB: The scene brought a tear to my eye.  Wonderful work.

Data: Thank you.  After 7 years on television and four films, I was ready to let say goodbye.

OB: But that might not be the last we see of you in a Star Trek uniform?

Data: With Star Trek, anything is possible.  They could always go back in time or something.  I believe William Shatner is trying to do that in real life.

OB: He was always a strange one.

Data: Indeed.

OB: Well, there’s just one more thing I’d like to ask you before we let you go, and that’s about your plans for the future.  What’s next for you Data?

Data: As you can see, I’m still performing duties on the Enterprise.  I am developing a new Starfleet vessel capable of faster speeds and more amazing things than ever experienced.

OB: Well, good to see that you are keeping busy.  And working diligently.  Not too long ago, I interviewed a robot.  That bastard was just fucking around with me.

Data: I am sorry to hear that.  But there is a big difference between a robot and an android.  Robot’s only do what they are told to do, by human programmers.

OB: I’ll keep that in mind.  I still don’t like that robot.  If I figure out who’s controlling him, I’ll kick the crap out of him.

Data: Good luck.  I’m sure if you follow the clues, you will find the culprit.

OB: Well thanks Commander Data, we appreciate your time.  I’ll get that little shit though.

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